Man Laws

[Mike]

This is 100% serious any infraction of the Man Law results in an ass kicking

1. The high five and the wave good bye have been replaced by an abrupt thrust while simultaneously pointing at the person with your elbows by your side.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control.

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her its a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his frinds home).

5. Short shorts have been banned.. unless participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officialy dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed.

11. Use of the word Canada is prohibited, the word shall be substituted with "the place above America" or any other variant of America such as, place above United States, The Stars and Stripes, and etc.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.

13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrowie puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you gotta do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repayed.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, SCISSORS with no shoot. End of discussion.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count.. rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E .. Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet.. or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants.. (or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violater of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being gay is not allowed. All gay "people" lose the title of "man", they may be male but not manly.

26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegitarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. In the case of sports such as wrestling dieting is permitted. Don't be ashamed of the beer gut...be proud.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry".

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are seperated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)

30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Lets just leave that up to the tangs fat friend.

31. Every man should watch sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recomended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes.

33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. Cheerleading is not a sport.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you dont agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.

39. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an original Sega Genesis equipped with the games Road Rash, Street Fighter, and Madden 96.

40. Never speak in the middle of a Man's back-swing.

41. Under no circumstances should two men share an umbrella.

42. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

43. Cameras are not permitted.

44. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

45. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

46. Spilling beer in the name of a joke is prohibited. Instead laugh at Jimmy Johnson's hair.

47. All men should be required to watch the Superbowl and the World Series.

48. Unless discussion includes the game being watched, the sport being watched, and/or athletes participating in said game, no discussion shall be made during actual broadcast. Commercials are open to any form of discussion with the exception of Broadway musicals. Requests for more beer shall be made during commericials as well.

DOOR/WINDOW CLAUSE: Any interference with the line of sight from any man and the television during game broadcast is punishable with the "beer bitch" position for the remainder of said game, unless there is another culprit. Bathroom breaks are not an excuse. If you are not smart enough to go during the commercial, you do not reserve the right to disturb others' viewing experiences.

49. Every man should be prepared and willing to kill another man if that man fucks with, injures, or rapes another man's family members.

50. Don't watch Brokeback Mountain. We don't give a shit about what your girlfriend says.

51. While political disagreement is tolerated, anyone who votes for Hillary Clinton forfeits any aspect of manliness.

52. Don't start a beer if you can't finish it. If you leave an unfinished beer or aren't man enough to finish it you will be labeled as "manbitch"...for a long time.

53. Unless you are assembling a rocket destined for space travel, an instruction manual is for absolute pussies who do not know their way around logic and reason. This holds especially true for any and all football video games.

54. In the event that your buddy is in a bar fight it is your job to 1)back him up or 2) if it is a fight that your are 100% sure you cant win then get you and your buddies' asses out of there before you get put in a hospital.

55. It is in no way acceptable to kiss a girl after you have blown one in her mouth. THIS IS LIKE KISSING YOUR OWN DICK. Exceptions are a 2 hour wait, full course meal, or brushing of the teeth/listerine usage.

56. Men should know how to drive a stick shift.

57. Every man should, by the time he dies own at least one firearm unless state laws interfere, in which case the man must have at least gone shooting with his buddies.

58. Bros before Hoes. No man shall ever choose a woman over his friends or the Man Laws, especially in an uncool sense. This includes ditching your friends during manly events, such as watching/going to "the game", or even showing blantent disregard for the laws we have all set forth. As men we must stand united. Exceptions are (1) if the "hoe" has enough (attractive) friends for each guy, (2) when virginity can be lost (yours or hers), and (3) when the girlfriend/wife is pregnant with your child.

59. When riding with a fellow man...don't fuck with his radio unless granted permission.

60. If a man is dumped by his girl, it is his buddies sworn duty to help the dumped man find a revenge lay of equal or greater hotness than the girl who did the dumping. This should be carried out as soon as possible for greatest revenge factor.

61. With the exception of handshakes with the elderly and women, a man must go into the shake with all his strength. the shake should be relatively short, and once a loss in pressure is detected, the shake should be ended immediately.

62. All men should be able to recite at least 2-3 Man laws upon command, this is to show that as men we have knowledge of the laws that we live our lives by.

63. No man may give himself a nickname (such as THE KING). It must be earned, and given to him by others.

64. Don't talk with a girlfriend or a potential girlfriend when your hanging out with your friends. Short conversations to let each other know where your at is fine and even then you need to be discrete. A rare exception is if your buddys unanimously agree that the girl is a 9.6 or hotter on the "hottness scale."

65. Men do not become "cold" when outdoors under any circumstances, nor do they use the word "chilly". If a man feels the urge to become warmer, this is actually the brain's way of saying to the rest of the body "I need more beer."

66. Don't poke other guys on facebook. Just don't.

67. Being a member of any branch of the United States Armed Forces guarantees you irrevocable manhood and protection from ever being dubbed "manbitch." Automatic revocation of manhood status is applied to any who resign or are discharged before their full term is served.

Here's to the men who serve our country. We bask in the hopes that we could ever be as manly as you.

68. Simply said, every man must be able to unhook a bra, in a timely manner with one hand in a manner that doesn't affect the woman's opinion of your performance in a negative manner
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[Karazorel]

Holy christ thats a lot of laws.

I chose to live by the golden rule:

The woman has the right to cancel any rule or law created by man and therefor is always correct and automatically declared winner of any argument.
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It's not easy being me but I make it look damn good.

[madcatmonkey]

Did you write those yourself, or were these copied from elsewhere?

Because a lot of them I thought were silly (amusing to read, but silly), but #25 just pissed me off to the point where I stopped reading the list.

Yeah, I know the list is supposed to be a joke, I just can't find things like that funny.

[Sadsiren]

Okay Mike, answer whichever list is shorter: Which of those do you agree/disagree with?

*found some of the rules annoying as well*

[yino]

In fact, I disagree with many of the rules too, I call out every man of the squishy people to answer sadsiren's questions.

So here are the rules that I disagree with:

rule number 3: I think the waiting time is too long i would reduce to it's sixth part and even less.

rule number 8: if the cooler owner is too drunk to answer any plead for alcohol, all the alcohol in the cooler (and the house) becomes available

rule number 25: let's be honest, gay people can acomplish all of the rules of the list (replacing the girl word of course) except the rule number 25, so at least they are more manly than me.

rule number 26: Being vegetarian is allowed, what is not allowed is being picky with the veggies you eat.

rule number 31: If I saw the game, there's no need to see sports center

rule number 33: I like to cook my own food and to pour my own drinks, because I'm good at it.

rule number 35: they drive awfully, but they drive.

rule number 38: I can give a manly "I don't care"

rule number 42: complaining about the beer (or any other alcoholic drink) brand in a buddy's refrigerator is permitted if you are inmediatly buying your favourite brand for your buddies.

rule number 44: remembering a birthday is permitted if it leads to the consequent celebration, or if the greeting is not even slightly emo. Gifts are permitted if they are booze.

rule numbre 47: it depends on the national popular sport

rule number 49: why to kill if there's torture available??

rule number 57: this also applies to awesome knifes.

rule number 67: a manbitch is a manbitch, no matter where he works(ed).
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"just imagine a good signature, and then put it here"

[trebuchet]

Mikey, wherever did you find this list?

I particularly like #19 and #45. #19 because I do that all the time and #45 because it made me laugh out loud.
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Conan! What is best in life?

To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!"